A Bizarro Ending: The Season 6 Finale of "Smallville"

“A Phantom went down to Kansas; he was looking for DNA to steal.
He was in a bind, ‘cause he was way behind, and needed a Clark Kent meal.”

Anyway, Season 6 of “Smallville” is in the books. I frequently criticize the show. I often ask myself why I still watch. Nonetheless, I went out of my way to catch the season finale.

It took him 6 years, but Clark Kent finally (well, sort of) told Lana Lang the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. He told her that he’s an alien, sent to Earth by his birth parents just before their home planet of Krypton exploded.

Of course, Clark, in a rare display of intelligence and sound judgment, left out the fact that his arrival also brought with it the kryptonite meteor shower that killed Lana’s parents. Honesty is the best policy . . . except when honesty means telling the woman you love that you were the unwitting cause not only of her parents’ death but also every kryptonite-related incident that’s caused her other significant trauma. Just an opinion, but I don't think there's any "right time" to reveal that sort of information.

For those of you keeping score this includes her being: stalked; kidnapped; frequently hospitalized; manipulated into marrying Lex Luthor; and being convinced that she’d suffered a miscarriage only to discover that she’d been tricked into thinking she was pregnant in the first place. So, no, we’re not talking about Clark’s telling her that he used his x-ray vision to sneak a peek at her in the girl’s locker room back when they were in high school. (Yes, Clark did that, too. Yikes.)

Lois Lane made further strides into becoming the intrepid reporter that many of us know and love. She took an active role in investigating and researching a story (and this one didn’t even involve a flying barn door). She also ended up getting in a little bit over her head, also arguably a Lois Lane trademark. Let me clarify that by “a little bit over her head”, I mean “brutally stabbed”. I guess that qualifies as two steps forward and one step back.

We finally learned what Chloe Sullivan’s kryptonite-induced power is. Her tears have the power to heal. Chloe found her cousin’s (Lois) body. She turned on the water works, a teardrop hit Lois, and both young women were enveloped in a bright light. The glow left Lois healed and Chloe seemingly comatose. It also left supporters of the Chlois theory wondering if this was foreshadowing, a “shout out”, or a deliberate act of cruelty on the part of the show’s creative team. I think it was a “shout out”, and nothing more.

About Chlois, it’s my opinion that it just ain’t gonna happen. The creative team has been pretty clear about it in interviews. They’ve said that the show’s iconic “Big Three” are Clark, Lex, and Lois. All three are misunderstood by those around them and unsure about their futures. They have also experienced interruptions in their education, and have had complex relationships with arguably tyrannical father figures. Writer Steven DeKnight stated that “Lois is from the myth of being very strong, classically pig-headed, and taking her father, Sam Lane, straight from the comic books. With Lex it was a little different because Lionel was created for the show. For Clark, problems with Jor-El . . .”

DeKnight went on to state that “Smallville’s” Lois Lane is “very much the classic, shoot from the hip, get-into-trouble Lois.” He said that the writers were deliberately setting up a contrast between her journalistic approach and that of Chloe.

Look, Chlois is an interesting notion, but I think it’s going to remain relegated to the ranks of fan fiction.

Lexana (the relationship between Lex Luthor and Lana Luthor [nee Lang]) had a pretty rough night. Methinks that ship has sailed (pun intended). Lana told Lex that she knew she was never pregnant. She told Lex that he was incapable of love, and that Clark meant more to her than Lex ever will. Finally, she revealed to Lex that she’d lied when she said she found bald men sexy. (Okay, I made that last one up.) Lex did not take this well, at all. He slapped Lana, who left the Luthor mansion only to (apparently) perish when her SUV explodes. And if you think Lana’s really dead, I’ve got some choice land on Krypton I’d just love to sell you.

Lex got pulled over by some state troopers and charged with the murder of Lana Luthor. Sigh. Billionaire evil geniuses aren't supposed to go out like this.

Oh, yeah, there was some non-soap opera stuff, as well. The last escapee from the Phantom Zone made an appearance. He’s a Kryptonian experiment gone wrong and needed a Kryptonian body to sustain him. (That means you, Clark) He had a brief fight with the Martian Manhunter (revealed as a former officer of Jor-El, the biological father that Clark often wishes wouldn't bother) and he literally punched right through the mean green martian machine.

It was revealed that Lionel Luthor has been functioning as an emissary for the late, great Jor-El (the biological father that Clark often wishes wouldn’t bother).

Anyway, the last Zoner ended up stealing Clark’s DNA. He was transformed into . . . Tom Welling dressed in black and with an evil grin on his face. Yawn. The Zoner fought Clark, revealed that green kryptonite actually makes him stronger, and knocked out Lionel Luthor. He also spouted one of the lamest tag lines ever after Clark asked him what he was. He responded “I’m you, only a little more bizarre.” Riiiight . . .

Finally, “Bizarro” demonstrated just how far behind the curve Clark truly is. Although he’d only had Clark’s DNA for a couple of minutes, Bizarro ended the episode and the season by flying away from the aptly named Reeves Dam. By all appearances and accounts, Clark Kent, who's always had his DNA, remains earth-bound.

I’m not so much looking forward to Season 7 as I am resigned to the fact that I’ll probably be a faithful viewer of this show right up until the bitter end. Yikes.

True Confessions of a "Smallville" Fan

Yes, I admit it, I still watch "Smallville". I caught the Pilot in the fall of 2001, and I've been watching it ever since.

"Smallville" started with such promise. I'm usually wary of prequels, but I just couldn't resist the concept of watching a young Clark Kent and Lex Luthor forge a seemingly deep friendship, blissfully unaware that they were destined to become mortal enemies.

Tom Welling played his part well. I liked the notion that Clark Kent, far from simply accepting his powers and his alien heritage, would be torn between a sense of resonsibility to use his abilities for the greater good and the desire to lead a normal life.

Michael Rosenbaum was brilliant as Lex Luthor in "Smallville's" first three seasons. In Lex Luthor, we were able to see a young man's struggle against himself and his own darker inclinations.

I loved Annette O'Toole and John Schneider as Martha and Jonathan Kent. Despite some initial misgivings, I even enjoyed the new characters added to this take on the Superman mythos like Lionel Luthor and Chloe Sullivan. The former, portrayed delightfully by John Glover, provided remarkable insight into the development of young Lex, and his ambivalent feelings toward his destiny. Allison Mack's Chloe Sullivan was a breath of fresh air. Her character was, at least in the early seasons of the show, a believable mixture of precocious intelligence and youthful vulnerability. Heck, I didn't even dislike Lana Lang in those days.

This all changed after the first few episodes of Season 4. That's when it seemed like this show just started treading water. In my opinion, it's been treading water ever since.

Lex has gotten closer to his destiny . . . provided said destiny is to become the only billionaire arch-criminal who is beaten up, shot, or kidnapped on a regular basis. Lionel Luthor is seen far too infrequently. Chloe is always on hand to provide plot exposition, but her character has lost its freshness. (And while I admit it would be an interesting "twist", I don't think that "Chlois" is going to happen, either).

Everything you ever wanted to know about "Chlois" but were afraid to ask

Much as I love the actress portraying her, Erica Durance, "Smallville's" Lois Lane can best be analogized to an unwanted party guest: she showed up too early, and has stuck around too long. The writers have proven themselves incapable of writing about two smart women with a talent for journalism, so Lois' role has been relegated to providing comic relief and occasional eye candy. She works for a cheesy tabloid and has been called upon to go "undercover" wearing skimpy outfits.

Lana Lang remains annoying (no offense, Kristin Kreuk, I know it's not your fault), but to me, her presence is like a toothache I've learned to live with.

My real beef is with Clark Kent. In five plus years, this Clark Kent has out-Peter Parkered Peter Parker. The future super hero to whom other superheroes (except Batman, of course) look for inspiration, now has to be reminded of the responsibilities which come with his great powers by the Green Arrow. He has spent most of this season keeping the world from dangerous super-criminals released from the Phantom Zone. He's also the one responsible for their having been released in the first place. He still can't fly. In fact, without having the situation explained to him by Chloe, he can barely tie his own shoelaces. Up, up, and away, indeed.

Superman has always required me to suspend my disbelief when it comes to the whole "secret identity" thing. In other words, no one recognizes that Clark Kent is really Superman wearing a pair of non-prescription frames. Fine. Well, in the World According to Smallville, I'm now supposed to believe that no one with whom he's interacted over the past 5 1/2 years (including Aquaman, the aforementioned Green Arrow, the Flash, Cyborg, Lex Luthor, Lois Lane, Perry White, and the staff of the Daily Planet) will recognize this despite the fact that they've seen Clark Kent walking around sans glasses! He gave Lois Lane a "kiss of forgetfulness" in Superman II. Mr. Kent had better have a case of chapstick handy.

Did I mention he's still obsessed with his high school sweetheart?

Finally, this future Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter is, like Lois Lane, a college-dropout. Unlike Lois, he has given no indication that journalism is anywhere in his future.

Ultimately, "Smallville" has failed by dragging the show on too long. As with any other prequel, the audience has a good idea of where things are going to end up. Clark Kent is going to put on the red and blue tights and start fighting for truth, justice, and the American way. Lex Luthor is going to become his deadliest enemy. The interesting part of it was supposed to be the way in which their respective journeys played out before our eyes. By spending the better part of the last three seasons not developing these characters, this journey has been rendered completely uninteresting.

So yes, I still watch "Smallville", but I no longer tune in expecting to be entertained. I watch this show now out of a sense of morbid curiosity. How will they find a "new" way to keep these characters in a state of arrested development?

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